transmascfrankiero:

well other than that mrs. kennedy how was the drive

villainanders:

surgeon: congratulations king charles, after successfully completing surgery, your prostate cancer is gone

king charles: jolly good. but prithee tell, where is my beloved daughter-in-law?

surgeon: who do you think gave you the prostate

butchdykekondraki:

butchdykekondraki:

butchdykekondraki:

butchdykekondraki:

im like if a loser boyfriend was a girl

similarly im like if someones older brother was a girl

im also kind of like if a gamergirl was a boy

not elaborating on any of these btw. figure it out yourself or die trying

sauntering-vaguely-downwards:

lady-sanctum:

sauntering-vaguely-downwards:

You’re going to the library today and you walk up to the building to find the doors closed. What do you do?

shrug and leave

look up the hours to see if you missed something

stand there on the sidewalk and open yelp to leave a 1 star review

Please reblog to prove a point to a customer 🤗

A borrower gave out to my manager for “Opening late” and when she was told that we always open at 12.45pm on Tuesdays, not only doubled-down but refused to believe it was in fact, Tuesday. 👍🏼

Least surprising thing I’ve heard

mysticaleyeliner:

Are we nearly there yet, Tumblr?

fka-aj:

Hate how we’re starting to be like “having a niche interest in something = autism” in the same way that “i like to be organized/need my colored pencils in order = ocd” used to be repeated

synthdykes:

is that a compass in your pocket or does your peenus always point to true north

i-say-ok:

remindertoclick:

ALT

Your Daily Reminder to Click for Palestine!

ok!

timefortigers:

bunjywunjy:

headspace-hotel:

catchymemes:

Wild Dogs see a Domesticated Dog

African wild dogs are one of my favorite animals. Those huge round circle ears and tricolored coats. I love you African wild dogs

HEY. HEY. HOW DID YOU GET OUT??? HEY-

dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog? dog?

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

so in third grade I told two of my friends I could talk to horses & made up a really dramatic backstory of how I “discovered” my powers & our teacher overheard us talking about it and told the child psychologist I was seeing for insomnia issues & the child psychologist asked me about it & I was first and foremost terrified that if I admitted to the lie, this medical professional would tell my friends I made it all up

so I doubled down and insisted I could really talk to horses. I was doing major damage control. I didn’t realize you can’t just tell psychiatric professionals you have magic powers, I was 8.

so I ended up in counseling for this for an entire year until eventually I just stopped going for some reason but when I was 20 the office contacted me to tell me the psychologist was retiring & asked if I wanted a copy of my childhood records before they were filed away and eventually shredded & I said sure & went over them & discovered that she had diagnosed me with “psychotic delusions” bc I was 8 and apparently convinced her I truly thought I could talk to horses.

genuinely cannot tell if I my parents should’ve been cashing in on me as the most sought-after child actor of the era or if that psychologist was just extremely so so so bad at her job.

I also figured out I stopped seeing her because she told my parents the diagnosis and my dad was like “she’s doesn’t think she can talk to horses!!! she’s lying to you 😭😭😭😭” but she didn’t believe him

i say i was a weird-horse-girl in elementary school and you say “me too” but did it get you a psychiatric diagnosis

I was gone for 3 years during which time I became a professional column writer for various magazines. i wish what brought me back was an insatiable passion for storytelling but unfortunately it was a need to post about baldur’s gate 3

03josten:

i mean this from the bottom of my heart: no one is impressed by your loud ass car. actually we talked about it and we all want you dead.

miquellah:

miquellah:

miquellah:

consuming this alongside beef cup noodle to see what happens to my digestive system

this was all after having a twinkie ice latte for brunch btw too. there is defiinitely a jungle juice situation going on in my stomacht

miseria-fortes-viros:

miametropolis:

and what if I told you nine was less afraid of love than ten. what then.

for a moment i lived in a beautiful world where doctor who didn’t exist and this was simply a seven-ate-nine joke too layered for me to understand